Witches With Dicks – Manual

Be square 

Best punk record of 2007? Its possible. Everything about this recording is noisy in all the right ways. The vocals are slurred in a deep gruff, the bass is dirty, the guitars are raunchy, the drums sound like they got slammed to analog tape, and there aren’t any clap-a-longs. You know how Alkaline Trio’s Goddamnit was sort of perfectly recorded for its sound? This is the same way.

OiNK.cd

The future of music promotion: filling requests over with bad mp3 copies that get deleted in 15 minutes. Repeat 10,000 times.

Dirty Money – Far From Home

How to guarantee a spot on The Fest in Gainesville:
1. Start an atonal pop-punk band that has no defining characteristics
2. Write a song called “1 2 3 Fest!”

You see, there are 2 big reasons to start a band. You either have amazing songs in your head and want the world to hear them, or you want to entertain people with music that might not be original but is still fun. Now I love pop punk with gritty vocals, but for some reason bands like this seem more like U2 than Hot Water Music. I think “controlled” is the word I want to use?

The Wonder Years – Get Stoked On It

I think a friend of mine recorded this. It seriously starts out sounding like a shitty mosh metal demo for a few seconds, but then it kicks into Saves The Day style vocals. Its OK. Overall I can tell there are a few people in this band that just can’t give up their Bridge 9 records. I’m betting its one of the guitarists. The guitars are tuned too low and the tone is muddy like its a low level Epiphone through a Marshall solid state. I’m also guessing their Myspace is full of really hot 17 year old girls with private profiles.

Nice People – Demo

You can download this somewhere on the internet. I know I did. It sounds like a total throwback to intense 90s emo. Moody, lots of shouting, midrangey bass, spazzy start-stop style drums, etc.

Woods – How To Survive In The Woods

2 guys singing falsetto with acoustic guitars onto a 4 track. Those words conjure up images of open mic nights or the inevitable “hey want to hear my high school band?” conversation with a new friend. Luckily this isn’t awful at all. It could be because their falsetto voices aren’t very good, or maybe its the intentional distortion that pops out at you sometimes, or maybe its the fact that these songs are just really good. Every time I listen to this I hear something new that brings a smile to my face and a joint to my mouth.

Mustapha Mond – This Album Is Not That Good

Thanks guys, a review that writes itself!

Tijuana Mon Amour Broadcasting Inc – Cold Jubilee

Wow what a fucking name. I like the music on this, it sounds like sampled drums from old jazz records, some keys, piano, etc. But then every once in a while this creepy German techno music sounding dude whispers some shit. Its sort of like relaxing in the pool and then one of your friends gets naked jumps in because he thinks its hilarious. I prefer my pool relaxation without the thought of simmering in everybody’s genital wash.

Municipal Waste – The Art Of Partying

Instead of giving this a glowing review like it deserves, I’m gonna tell everybody that likes this to check out Savage Brewtality from Gainesville, FL.

Daniel Tosh – True Stories I Made Up

This poor bastard got compared to Dane Cook. After reading that its all I could focus on. To top it off he seems to do some sort of retraction shocked-audience-member shit ala Jim Gaffigan after his jokes. The stories are funny, but he seems to be catering to the lowest forms of life. I’m sure he signs a lot of autographs on bar napkins.

1905 – Voice

This is definitely high on my list of favorite records. Boy/girl screaming and singing over some creative feverish hardcore. Unfortunately the second the screamo bubble burst they broke up. Thrash got cool so the girl joined a thrash band, Plan It X shit got cool so the dude put out an acoustic record. What next? Its hard to tell, but I’m sure it’ll have something to do with delay pedals.

Kaki King – Until We Felt Red

The only thing better than listening to Kaki King is going to her Myspace and reading all the outstandingly creepy comments people leave her.

Battles – Mirrored

Don Caballero existing is this band’s golden ticket. This is weird off time stuff that sounds like the kind of thing you can find in any suburban home after a couple of kids get high and try to play music. I can imagine a goth kid that everybody dreads but has good weed sitting down behind the drum kit, some kid that never gets high playing a keyboard, and some Food Not Bombs advocate that uses the term math rock seriously plugging in his delay pedal and noodling away.

Two Gallants – The Scenery Of Farewell

I would pay these guys $25 to shut the fuck up. The Houston police department tried once, but thanks to the internet there was a public outcry. I’ve been listening to all of this bands’ albums the same way I slow down for a trainwreck. I think they’re trying to take the Bob Dylan approach by writing basic songs and not really caring about the vocals. Unfortunately its some of the worst shit I’ve heard in my life. They compound the pain by doubling them up to create a chorus of out of tune animal calls.

Saddle Creek is responsible for this, its about 30 minutes long. 5 tracks. Yeah, fuck them.

Patton Oswalt – Werewolves & Lollipops

I like this guy. If you watched any of the Comedians Of Comedy episodes or saw the movie you’ve heard almost all of these jokes. Its not as funny as his older material. Yeah, that saying doesn’t just work for crappy punk bands.

Sub Pop put this out and its about an hour long.